10 Ways to Know You are Obsessed with Teeth

10 Ways to Know You are Obsessed with Teeth

10. You Pick Them Religiously

It doesn’t matter if you are driving, listening to your kid’s piano recital, or sitting on the toilet—your hand is in your mouth no matter what.

9. Your Daily Soundtrack Includes Teeth Songs

You start your day with Lady Gaga’s bad-girl meat song, “Teeth,” as your brush yours in the morning. You play “Smile” throughout your lunch break. On the way home from work, you play “Animal” and scream “Take a bite of my heart tonight!” at stoplights and gawking pedestrians. You also write your own biting ballads and perform them at local bars on weeknights under the stage name “Teether.”

8. You Look At Everyone’s Teeth You Meet

This may be a deciding factor on whether or not you will marry the individual. And when you see the old man in the grocery store parking lot and pity him until you see his monstrous, scary movie mouth, you worry he’s going to approach your window and hiss “So child, make your choice!” a la the Hellboy angel dude, and you plan on squeaking, “Paper! No, plastic! Was that wrong?” as he shuffles away.

7. Your Movie Queue is Nothing But Vampire Flicks

Except the ones with the sparkly pseudo-vampires; those don’t count, unless your obsession is dentures, or wax teeth. Only movies like this one count.

6. Your Retirement Fund Includes a Section Devoted to Dental Health

This could be practical, unless you are planning on designer set of chops, or you want to include some kind of metal alloy as one of the teeth in question.

5. You Make Your Own Crime Lab-Grade Teeth Molds From Your Own Mouth

And you do it a lot. And you send them to your favorite celebrities with little Alice in Wonderland-like tags that read “Wear Me.”

4. You’re on the Market for Dentures “Just in Case”

You’ve had your mouth measured, you have models at home, and you have a top 10 list of the types you want. You set them up on a shelf in the bedroom, prominently re-arranging them every month in artful groups of three and keeping them more dust-free than the rest of your entire house.

3. You Own Stock in Scope

You also subscribe to a Floss-of-the-Month Club, in which you’ve suggested several new flavors—including avocado and bacon. You buy all of your friends and relatives subscriptions to the club as well, though you don’t realize that they donate most of it to the homeless shelter (egg salad floss? Really? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?).

2. You Teach Your Three-Year-Old to Floss

So what if he’s going to lose those teeth anyway? Better to learn now than later, even if he can’t use the potty yet.

1. You Want to Be a Dentist

Or a hygienist. Or you already are one of these. And you already have a dental college fund started for your child, whose first word was “toof,” or will be, if he or she isn’t born yet.